I thought I'd be married by now...

When I was in high school when I decided I was going to be married at 18 & have kids by 20... because that's how it works, right? You just say you want it and it happens.
Let's also note that I wasn't LDS at that time so there was no cultural stigma, I just thought that was what was going to happen for me.

SIDENOTE: Anyone who knew me at 18 is thanking their lucky stars for me that that crazy girl didn't get married. 

This was me on my 18th birthday. 

Oh, bless my heart. 

Now I am 24 & I am not married. I have no children. And that "life" I imagined for myself so clearly in high school didn't happen.  At times, that has devastated me.

Let me preface this post with two things. I realize 24 isn't 94& I don't at all intend to hurt or belittle the feelings of those who have been waiting for marriage longer than I have. Secondly, I don't intend to offend those who DID marry young. What a blessing & a learning experience. This is just my journey. 

About a week ago, I had a profound moment. I have had this specific feeling a handful of times throughout my twenties and I believe they are one of the greatest blessings Heavenly Father gives me.
It was a Friday night. There was a regional YSA activity that happens every year which is widely known to have a pretty good turn out. Usually I attend YSA regional activities in the hopes of meeting some random boy Ive never seen who might possibly be my eternal companion (please don't lie & pretend your going to these things for the soda bar and awkward dancing) BUT since I have my sweet Justin, this year I was going as moral support for my BFF...and for the awkward dancing.
Moving on, we get there at 10:35pm and it ends at 11. We get there & see friends so we enjoy the last 20 minutes.

We get ready to leave and a friend says "dance party..parking lot...now." We decide this parking lot ho-down is not for us and we drive away. Then Sarah looks and me and says "5 minutes?" "Let's do it," I told her. We join our friends and just dance. I had this overwhelming feeling in that moment, here is where you should be.


That moment in that parking lot with 20 of us dancing like fools is valuable to me. It is joy, not hold me over till I'm married joy, but true joy. I have had so many moments of joy. I have gone on beach trips with my best friend and gone on 20 mile bike rides that have almost killed me. I have gone on canoe trips with the best ward EVER (shout out to you, Rasmussen Legere & Edwards) and jumped off 60 foot towers....also that almost killed me. I have have endless late nights laughing with friends, I have eaten more calories at movie theaters than any human should, and sobbed my soul out with my best girls. I have taken road trips. I have gone to Institute classes that have CHANGED ME & made refined me into the type of wife I want to BE. I have grown and changed and become.

Do I want to be married? Do I want to cuddle my husband & play with my kids and take on that part of life ? Absolutely. But is Heavenly Father making life grand in the mean time? YES. 

Look at all that ^^^^^^^ !!!! He really makes it grand. 

I have this day dream imagination of Heavenly Father & I sitting together on this rocking swing on a porch somewhere and just talking life. He says "Kels, being a wife and a mother is going to be the highlight of your life. You will love it. It's gonna be stinking hard...and you know you're emotional so it'll be extra hard somedays for you. But my dear, you will love it." 
"And Kels? You can have that whenever you want. If you want you can have it as soon as possible." 
I imagine me saying "YES! As soon as possible please." 
"But Kels, if you would like, you can wait a little longer, I have a couple things in mind. You'll meet a few good men who will refine you. You will befriend the most quality women and they love you. And boy, you will love them. You will go on endless trips. You will get to eat good food. You will laugh and laugh and laugh. You will become a better woman. You will go to cities you have never been to and you will call it 'work'. You will go to Disneyland A LOT. You will teach Relief Society and effect one person I need to know that I love them. You will be in Relief Society lessons where I can remind YOU Kels, that I love YOU. You will never be alone. I will be with you every step of the way and then eventually, on My timing, you'll get that husband of yours. You will have lost nothing. You won't have lost time with him, because you'll have him forever. But Kels... you will gain everything. So what would you like to do my love?" 



You guys, I am taking that daydream straight to the bank. I chose this life, I know it!! I'm not WAITING for a husband day by day, I'm LIVING this life I CHOSE. Isn't it funny how we spend so much time imagining this dream situation & when it doesn't happen (which things rarely happen just as we've imagined) its so disappointing! But I swear, I had to have chosen this. Because there is no way in HELL I could give up anything I've gained. I wouldn't...I couldn't.
Because life is good.



Xo Kels
Did you read about Rejection?

Dear Kiddos, 

Not being married in a world where it seems as though EVERYONE is getting married is hard. Some days it will consume you. Some days will be dark. You may cry and you may even be like your dramatic mother & ask "Why not me? It's a righteous desire, come on Lord, why not me?" But you are closer to your Father in Heaven than you think. You are doing this journey t o g e t h e r. You think He would waste your time or steer you wrong? No chance. 

What is He blessing you with now? What are you learning, and are you missing the lesson? 

Don't let the fear of the future ruin all the good that is happening right NOW. 

You chose this. And your choice was good.

Love, Mom.