Fraud.

I remember one day, about a year ago, I was sitting after church waiting around and a friend of mine came up to say hello. We weren't exactly close so she didn't have any idea of anything going on with me personally. I was going through an extremely difficult time because of an incredibly heartbreaking breakup. My eyes were like cups of water filled to the brim at just about every moment but I don't think many people knew that. 

We started chatting about life and such and she asked me how I was doing. I must have not had any " happy " left because I remember shrugging and saying something like " eh Ive been better, life's rough". She looked at me, I'll never forget, and said "Oh I never thought you had bad days. I look at you and think, her life must be perfect, she must get whatever she wants, her life looks so easy". 

This should have been music to my ears!! I had fooled her! I had successfully kept up the front I was putting on! But it TOTALLY killed me... I felt like a total fraud. After I left her, I just cried. Why was I doing this to myself ? Why was I missing so many opportunities for connection by pretending that my life was empty of trials and hardship. I wasn't doing anyone any favors by pretending life is perfect. Who was I fooling anyway?! (Except her) Haha. I decided right then & there that enough was enough. 

I realize now that real life, even with bumps & tough stuff, is way better than living unauthentically. After all, if Heavenly Father is accepting me as imperfect, why am I not accepting myself? 

This is a big lesson Ive learned this year, and that is just one of my discoveries! Ive perfected ways to shop and get the best discount, learned when it's time to end a relationship (even a good one), how to navigate through Disneyland like you own the park, why kindness is crucial (especially when getting out of a speeding ticket),  how to snapchat like a seasoned pro... &the list goes on.

So I'm starting this record of my life. Things I've learned. Times I've failed. And ways I've changed. 

I want my future nuggets to look back & see all the sadness, fun, disappointment, embarrassments, mistakes, successes,  shortcomings & trials their mom went through... 

& that she still chose to be happy. 

Xo Kels